


How You Wish It Would Be All The Time

by scruffylou



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love, Luke/OFC (past relationship), M/M, Slight Smut, but not really, i dunno, just read it it's not that long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-03
Updated: 2015-01-03
Packaged: 2018-03-05 01:31:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3100043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scruffylou/pseuds/scruffylou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Luke's girlfriend moved away and ended things and Calum is the only one he wants to talk to.  And Calum would do anything to make his best friend feel better.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How You Wish It Would Be All The Time

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so this is shit. Cake deserves more than this and the idea in my head was so much better than how it turned out because I couldn't think of a good ending, but anyway, I hope you kinda like it? Maybe?
> 
> Title is from "Ribs," by Lorde.

**The First Day:**

 

Calum stood on Luke’s doorstep, moving from one foot to other as he waited with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie.  The sun had almost set, and the streetlights were all on.  He’d rung the doorbell, and he knew Luke’s mum or dad or one of his brothers would answer eventually.  His phone was heavy in his front pocket.  Luke had told him not to come that night.  He said he just wanted to be alone.  Calum wouldn’t have even known that Lola broke up with him except that Ashton had called and told him and he had texted Luke just to ask if he was okay.  Luke said yes and he said not to worry and that he’d see him in a few days.  Calum didn’t care.  He knew Luke better than that.

 

The doorknob turned and the door opened and Liz stood there in her robe with a concerned look on her face.  Her eyes were warm when Calum said hello to her.  “He’s in his room.  I tried, but he won’t talk to me,” she said as she let Calum in.  She closed the door behind him.  

 

“I’ll try to talk to him,” Calum said.  Liz smiled a small smile and nodded and Calum made his way up the steps to the second door on the left.  The hall light was on, but there was no light coming out from under Luke’s door.  He tried to turn the knob, but it was locked.  “Luke, let me in,” he tried.  He waited, but there was no answer.  “Luke?” he said again, softly.

 

“Go away, Calum.”  Luke’s voice was muffled and hoarse.  Calum could picture him on the other side of the door, curled up in bed with his pillow over his head and his socked feet sticking out of the bottom of the covers.

 

“I’m not going away.  I’ll sit out here until you have to take a piss,” Calum said, trying to make Luke laugh or lighten the mood or something.

 

“I have bottles in here,” Luke mumbled.  Calum shook his head and smiled to himself.  He waited for a minute.

 

“Luke,” he tried again, leaning his forehead against the door and closing his eyes.

 

He heard Luke groan and then the covers rustling around and uneven footsteps.  A second later, the door opened, but only halfway.  Luke stood in the space between the door and the frame, squinting into the light of the hallway.  His eyes were red and swollen and his bottom lip was raw.  Calum knew he’d probably been biting the shit out of it for the past few hours.  Nervous habits die hard.  

 

He stared at Calum and Calum just stared back.  He didn’t really know what to say.  He’d never seen Luke as crazy about someone as he had been about Lola, so he’d never really seen him heartbroken either.  And then Luke’s lip was shaking and he closed his eyes tight and Calum knew he was about to start crying again.  He pushed the door away from Luke’s hand and just grabbed him into a clumsy hug.  Luke started to really cry then, because everyone knows if you’re about to cry and someone hugs you, there’s nothing you can do to stop it after that.

 

Luke’s shoulders shook and he hiccuped into Calum’s shirt.  Calum could faintly hear Luke’s parents talking downstairs and he could hear the television and he just wanted to get Luke away from anyone that would ask him questions or make him talk if they heard him crying.  He pulled out of the hug and lead Luke back into his room with his hands on Luke’s shoulders.  Luke stumbled towards his bed and turned and found Calum’s arms again in the dark.  They were hugging again and Luke was holding on tight, clutching the fabric of Calum’s hoodie in his hands.  Calum rubbed slow circles on his back and his cheek was pressed against the warm space between Luke’s neck and shoulder.

 

“It’s okay, Luke.  It’s okay.”

 

“It’s not.  She moved away.  She’s gone and she won’t answer my calls.  She’s not-“ Luke was sobbing and he couldn’t even talk anymore at the end.

 

Calum sat on edge of the bed and pulled Luke down with him and into his arms.  “She’s not gone.  It’ll all be okay, Luke.  I’m here.  Just relax.  It’ll be okay.”  Calum didn’t know what else to say, but he wanted Luke to feel better.  He couldn’t see his face in the dark, but he held him against his chest and let him shake.  Eventually he scooted back so he was leaning against the wall and Luke moved with him, his head on Calum’s shoulder and his hand twisted in the front of Calum’s shirt.

 

They were quiet for a while and Calum just ran his hand up and down Luke’s arm and back.  Eventually Luke stopped crying, but his voice shook as he whispered into the dark quiet of his room.  “I really love her Cal, I don’t know what to do.”

 

“I know, Luke. I’m sorry,” Calum said back into Luke’s hair.  He squeezed Luke’s forearm.  Luke just pulled himself closer into Calum and curled his legs up to his chest.  Calum didn’t particularly want to spend his Friday night sitting in complete darkness listening to his friend cry about some girl that he wasn’t really a big fan of, but he wanted Luke to feel better.  He never wanted Luke to be sad and he would’ve sat in his room for a year if it would’ve helped.

 

Luke kept shaking for a little, his shoulders moving up and down, but he was silent besides the occasional sniff or whimper.  Eventually, his breathing slowed and his shoulders moved up and down rhythmically and Calum knew he’d fallen asleep.  He buried his nose in Luke’s messy hair and breathed him in, a clean, sandy smell.  He closed his eyes and focused on Luke’s breathing against his own chest.  His neck was in a weird position, but he fell asleep too eventually and when he woke up the next morning, Luke was already gone. 

 

“Thanks for being there Cal.  Mum probably made breakfast if you want any.  I’ll be out for the day.  See you later.”  Luke had left a post-it note taped to Calum’s dead phone on the bedside table.  Calum rubbed his eyes and got out of bed.  He was stiff and his neck hurt, and he felt gross from sleeping in his jeans and his hoodie.  He felt uneasy with Luke gone when he woke up.  He shoved the post-it and his phone in his pocket and made his way downstairs, planning to leave.

 

“Calum, is that you?  Do you want some cereal or eggs or anything?” Liz called from the kitchen.

 

“Thank Liz, but I’m okay.  I’ve gotta get home,” he called back.  He put his hood up over his messy hair and turned the knob on the front door.

 

“Okay!  Be safe Calum,” she called back and he smiled a little.  He walked home with his hood up the whole way, even though he was close to sweating.  He didn’t hear from Luke for the rest of the day and he didn’t try to text him either.

 

 

 

 

**The Third Day:**

 

Calum hadn’t talked to Luke since he’d fallen asleep on him a few nights before.  He’d thought about him, yeah, but he was trying not to.  He was sitting in his room messing around with his bass while Green Day played in the background and his sister Mali blasted some other album in her room.  It was already dark outside and he had his window open to let the breeze come in because everything was stuffy.

He wore a cut-off tank top and some basketball shorts with a backwards snapback to keep his greasy, not-showered-for-two-days hair out of his face.  He was kind of in a rut.  He was used to seeing Luke almost every day, or at least talking to him.  It wasn’t that big of a deal, really.  He just couldn’t shake the picture in his head of Luke looking so small pressed against his chest.  He couldn’t stop thinking of his shuddery breathing.  And he couldn’t erase how he’d felt when he had his face hidden in Luke’s hair; when he’d fallen asleep holding onto him.  And the feeling he’d had when he woke up alone.

Calum had been playing the same picking pattern for almost two minutes, lost in thought, when Mali knocked loudly on his door.  “Could you play something else please?  I think I’ve almost learned that one by now!”

“Sorry,” Calum said and set the bass against his dresser.  His phone buzzed and he picked it up and saw a text from Luke lighting up the screen.  He opened it, not expecting much.

“wanna go to the beach and get drunk?” it read.

Calum hesitated before answering.  “do u have alcohol?”

The response was fast.  “my brother got it for me. ride ur bike here.”

Calum wished he could say he had to think about it, but he didn’t.  It was Luke.  He waited until Mali picked a particularly loud song to start playing and slipped his shoes on and snuck down the hallway and down the stairs.  It was dark in the front hallway and he opened the door as quietly as he could.  He slipped outside and shut it behind him.  His bike was chained up on the side of the house behind some bushes and he unchained it and hopped on.

The ride to Luke’s house wasn’t long.  It was warm outside and he could hear the bugs and the breeze making soft sounds in the trees.  The sky was clear and the moon and the streetlights played over the road and his skin and the leaves and he felt excited.  He didn’t know why, but he felt different.  He just wanted to see Luke.

 

He stopped his bike in front of Luke’s and got off, kicked the kickstand out and walked into his front yard.  All the lights in the house were off except for the one in Luke’s room.  He stared up at the window and then pulled his phone out of his pocket.  “i’m outside,” he texted.

A second later Luke’s tall, thin frame was leaning against the window and he smiled down at Calum.  Calum hadn’t seen him smile in days.  His stomach filled up with warmth and a little nervousness.  Luke left the window and then his light was off and Calum waited.  The front door opened and Luke came out with a hoodie and basketball shorts, messy hair and a backpack on his back.  “Let me get my bike,” he whisper yelled to Calum and ran around to the side of the house.

A minute later he was riding down the driveway and past Calum, and Calum had to jog down to his bike and hop on to catch up because Luke was already almost halfway down the street.  

They rode in silence, taking each turn with practiced ease.  They’d been going to the beach since they were kids, and they knew their way even in the dark.  They could’ve done it with their eyes closed.  Calum watched as Luke stood up and let himself coast down the hill.  The muscles in his calves flexed and relaxed and the top of his messy hair fluttered in the wind.  He wanted to kick himself.  He didn’t know why he was being so weird; noticing all the things he usually took for granted.  He didn’t know why he was excited either.  He didn’t understand anything he was feeling.

 

They reached the beach and the surf hit the sand, rushing loudly across the millions of grains and back into itself.  The ocean at night had always scared Calum, gave him a rush.  He’d seen it a million times, but he never lost the sense of awe he had at it’s power.  The water and the sky blended together in a black whirlwind and he knew it would be so easy to be sucked under if you let yourself go out that far.

They parked their bikes up by the seagrass and stacks of beach chairs and made their way down the sand and towards the water.  Calum shivered as the wind coming off the water sent goosebumps up and down his arms and he thought maybe he should’ve brought a sweater or something, but Luke opened his backpack and pulled out a blanket and threw it at Calum.  “Here,” he mumbled and it was the first thing he’d said all night.  

“Thanks,” Calum said back and sat on the sand with the blanket wrapped around his shoulders.  Luke sat down next to him and pulled a bottle of cheap whiskey that Calum had never heard of out of the bottom of the back pack.  He tossed the backpack aside and opened the bottle.  He held it out to Calum.

“First sip?”

Calum shook his head.  “You can have it.” 

Luke shrugged and took a huge swig from the bottle and immediately made a face.  Calum laughed.  “Shut up!” Luke said, trying not to smile and shoving Calum’s shoulder.  “Let’s see you drink it with a straight face.”

Calum kept laughing and took the bottle from him.  He tipped it back and leaned his head back and swallowed twice.  It burned his throat and his stomach and he immediately felt his legs begin to tingle.  He couldn’t help making a face almost like Luke’s and after he swallowed he started laughing again.

“See?” Luke giggled.

“Yeah, it’s fucking awful.  Where’d your brother get this stuff?”

Luke shrugged again.  “I don’t care as long as it gets us wasted.”  He smiled and took the bottle back from Calum and threw back another sip.  “It gets better the second time.”

Calum took his turn and then set it in the sand between them to let the feeling sink in a little.  They were quiet again and they both stared out at the waves.  Calum was still wrapped in the blanket and Luke was sitting with his knees drawn up to his chest and his hands linked in front of his knees.  He picked up the bottle again eventually and took another sip and Calum watched him lower it from his lips and bite the bottom one immediately.  His eyes were faraway as he stared out at the water.

“I miss you, Luke,” Calum said quietly; almost quiet enough that Luke might not have heard it if he was just a few more feet away.  Calum hadn’t really even meant to say it or word it that way.

“I’m right here, Cal,” Luke said back, but he didn’t pull his eyes away from the ocean.

Calum didn’t say anything else and the waves were the only sound again, so he took another sip of the whiskey and threw the blanket off of his shoulders.  He was getting warm.

Luke stood up then and started walking slowly toward the water and as soon as Calum realized, he got up and followed, leaving the blanket and the bottle in the sand.  They reached the edge of the waves and stood in the tide, letting the water rush over their feet and pull sand around them when it rushed back toward the ocean.  “Are you okay, Luke?” Calum knew it was a stupid question to ask, but he had to say something.

“No,” Luke answered simply.  And then Calum felt Luke’s hand slip into his and he let Luke fill the spaces between his tan fingers with his own.  Calum looked up at him but he wouldn’t look back, so Calum looked at their feet instead.  His heart was beating so fast and his skin was so warm from the whiskey that he thought he might pass out and drown, but Luke’s hand was anchoring him to the Earth and he never wanted to let go.

He could tell from Luke’s eyes how drunk he was.  He’d had a lot pretty fast.  And hell, Calum was drunk too.  And suddenly Luke had pulled Calum back to the sand again and pulled him down next to him and they were half facing each other.  And Calum had no idea what to do, he just let Luke do what he wanted.  Luke let go of Calum’s hand and grabbed the side of his neck instead and pulled his face closer and then Calum could feel Luke’s breath against his lips.  He refused to close his eyes, but Luke’s were closed and their foreheads were touching.  Luke was breathing hard, mostly exhales and his hand on Calum’s neck was heavy.  

“Luke,” Calum breathed because he was panicking.  He didn’t know what was about to happen and he didn’t know if it was bad.

That seemed to snap Luke back and he opened his eyes and pulled away so that he wasn’t touching Calum anymore.  He looked a little panicked, like he might cry.  “I’m sorry, I-“ he mumbled a little, voice shaky and soft.  “We should go home.”

“Luke, it’s okay,” Calum said, but his own voice sounded foreign and far away.

Luke just stood up and grabbed the bottle and the blanket from the sand.  He shoved it all in his backpack and Calum just watched.  “Luke, it’s okay,” he repeated.

“I need to go home,” Luke said firmly.

Calum knew not to push it, so he stood up too and they trudged up the sand to their bikes.  They rode back to Luke’s in silence and when they got there, they stopped and Calum watched Luke ride slowly up the driveway, weaving back and forth still drunk. “Bye, Luke,” he called and Luke turned around and waved quickly before disappearing around the side of the house to lock up his bike.  Calum rode for home, but had to stop about halfway there to puke on the side of the road.  He was really fucking drunk and the motion of the bike was making him sick.  And maybe he’d wanted Luke to kiss him at the beach.  But he knew that Luke didn’t want it, he was just lonely.  He just wanted someone.  He just missed Lola.

When Calum got home, he threw up again in the front yard and parked his bike, but he didn’t bother to lock it up.  He snuck inside and stumbled upstairs and fell into bed without bothering to brush his teeth.  He was asleep before he could even take his hat off.

 

 

 

 

**The Fifth Day:**

 

Calum hadn’t heard from Luke for a few days again, and he hadn’t texted him either.  This time though, he didn’t even try to keep himself from thinking about him.  He knew he couldn’t quit it, and he was fucked.  He wondered endlessly what his lips would’ve tasted like if he’d just moved closer on the beach.

And then his phone was buzzing again.  “im sorry cal. i think ive just gone crazy.”

Calum’s heart was in his throat.  

“dont be sorry. wanna hang out?” He tried to make the text sound casual, as normal as possible, but he was the one who felt like he’d gone crazy.

“yeah can i come over? movie and pizza?” Calum smiled at that.  
“if u pay :)” 

“you dick. ill be there soon.”

 

They were in Calum’s room when Luke took it too far to go back.  They’d been lying on Calum’s bed with the pizza box and the half-empty two liter between them.  The movie that was playing was boring and Calum wasn’t paying attention to it.  His back was against the wall and he had his knees drawn up to his chest, his tan arms wrapped around them and his chin on one of them.  Luke was sprawled out in front of him on his side with one arm propping up his head.  Calum was much too focused on the skin that was exposed on the side of Luke’s singlet and between his shirt and the top of his pants.  It was pale and glowed soft blue in the TV light and all Calum wanted to do was reach out and touch his shoulder, drag his fingertips down Luke’s arm, touch his hand, touch his hips….

He shook his head a little, mentally kicking himself for not controlling these fucking thoughts he was always having lately.  But was it _really_ his fault?  Luke had been the one taking him to the beach and pulling him down into the sand after all.  He hit the back of his head against the wall once and shut his eyes.  He knew he was overanalyzing things; knew Luke was just sad and wanted attention.

He hadn’t kissed Luke since they were twelve, when it was more of an experiment than anything; hadn’t even really thought about kissing him unless he’d been a little drunk or half awake with a boner, or something, some strange situation like that.  When he opened his eyes again, Luke had leaned back so that he was laying on his back and staring up at Calum.

“Are you okay?” he asked, voice gravelly from being silent so long.  Calum sighed and rubbed a hand over his face.

“Yeah.  Just tired is all,” he answered dismissively.

“Wanna go to sleep?” Luke asked and blinked slowly.

Calum shook his head.  “Just wanna finish the movie first.”  He was trying to get Luke to roll over and look back at the screen because his blue eyes in the low light of the room were distracting and his lip ring when he nodded sleepily was kind of insane.  And that was how Calum was feeling.  Insane.  This was Luke.  The same Luke that he’d known since they were eight.  The same Luke that had puked on his shoes after their first real party.  The same Luke who filmed YouTube covers and let Calum watch all of them before he’d post them.  He’d never felt this way about Luke.  This lust.  And maybe it wasn’t just that…maybe he wanted more than that.  Maybe he wanted to hold his hand and kiss his forehead and be his date to parties and all that shit.  Calum had no idea where all this was coming from, but he was relieved when Luke finally rolled back over and focused on the screen.  Calum thought he’d finally gotten the point.

He tried to turn his attention back to the movie and he did, for maybe a minute.  Even though Luke’s back was touching his foot, he successfully paid attention the the damn movie for a full minute.  And then Luke turned over again, but this time it was all the way over, not just to his back.  He was on his side now, facing Calum, staring up at him through his lashes, lips slightly parted with that blank look he could get sometimes.  Calum swallowed and cleared his throat.  All he could do was stare back and pray that there was a good explanation for the way that Luke was running his tongue over his lip ring.

“Calum,” Luke said thickly, quiet, but not quiet enough.  It was still shocking against the background noise of the TV which might as well have been silence at this point.

Calum had to take a second to make sure his voice sounded light and casual before he answered.  “Yeah?”  The way his voice cracked over the end of the word betrayed him.

Luke blinked and looked down, then back up.  “Just…you-I think…I think you already know.”  His voice was almost calm, but he couldn’t really cover up the little desperate sadness that came out when he paused.  All Calum wanted was for him to take that damn look off of his face, because it was true, he did already know what Luke wanted, but he knew he couldn’t do it and keep things the same between them.

But Luke just kept looking up at him, waiting for him to say something.  “I can’t,” he answered honestly.

“Calum,” Luke reached up slowly with one hand.  He dragged it up Calum’s torso until it reached his chest and fisted Calum’s t-shirt between his fingers.  Calum was sure Luke could feel how hot his skin was under it and he could feel Luke’s hand shaking.  Calum pulled his gaze away from Luke’s eyes and tried to keep his breathing steady as he stared at the television again.

“Fuck, Luke, just watch the movie,” Calum said, sounding agitated.  His voice was unconvincing, even to himself, but he still refused to look back down at Luke.  

“We used to,” Luke said, voice small.  He sat up and leaned back on his hands.  Now Calum couldn’t avoid looking at him unless he closed his eyes or something.  Luke’s face was about a foot away from his.  When Calum didn’t answer him this time, he moved a little closer, crossing his legs underneath himself.

“It’s different now,” Calum answered looking down at his lap.  He was hyper aware of Luke’s face near his, could feel his breath against his jaw and smell the faint trace of soap he used in the shower.  The air was thick and heavy, almost oppressive.  Calum needed to move and he debated whether to shove Luke away from him or kiss the life out of him.

“Why?” Luke asked.  He sounded like a little kid who asks why after everything they’re told.

Calum swallowed again.  “You’re just sad, Luke.”

“I need you,” Luke practically whispered.  He was on his knees next to Calum now, and his face was so close.  Calum could feel his blue eyes moving across his shoulders and his face.  He finally looked at his friend.  

“This isn’t what it means to be there for someone, Luke.”

A flicker of guilt passed through Luke’s eyes and over his features, but it was quickly replaced with the same desperate, sad look he’d had all weak.  

“Please,” Luke said weakly.  He moved so that his forehead was touching Calum’s temple and Calum closed his eyes.

“Luke,” his voice shook.

“I want you, Cal,” Luke said against his skin.  Any strength Calum thought he had against it was gone, and any logic was pushed aside because he couldn’t avoid Luke’s lips anymore.  He turned into Luke and grabbed him with hands on both sides of his neck.  He pulled him close and kissed him hard on the mouth.  Luke was kissing back immediately, desperately, his hands clutching Calum’s shoulders, his fingernails digging into Calum’s skin through his t-shirt.

Calum bit Luke’s bottom lip harshly, ran his tongue over it and pulled the black ring that hung there into his mouth.  He pushed Luke back onto the mattress and Luke let him.  He was pliant and just moved into every touch Calum gave him.  Calum hovered over him on his forearms and kissed him like he wanted his soul.  If he was going to let Luke take him over, he wanted to take Luke over too.

Luke’s hands were on his hips and he tried pulling them down to meet his own, but when Calum resisted, he pushed his own up instead.  Calum could feel that he was hard already and he groaned against Luke’s lips and gave in, pushed his hips down for friction, moved back and forth against Luke.  Luke exhaled small noises into Calum’s mouth and Calum moved to pepper sloppy kisses over Luke’s scruffy jawline, down to his neck.  He leaned his head back and Calum bit and sucked the pale skin there.  Luke’s breathing was getting kind of erratic and hearing how responsive he was just to Calum’s teeth and lips made Calum’s stomach tighten.  He knew this was all so fucked, but he couldn’t bring himself to quit it.

Calum sat up, still straddling Luke and reached down to the hem of his shirt.  He ran his fingers along the soft skin of Luke’s stomach and Luke looked up at him, eyes glazed over and lips parted.  He shuddered at Calum’s touch and bucked his hips up into him.  Calum moved to take Luke’s shirt off and he sat up a little to make it easier.  Calum started to lower his lips to Luke’s chest but Luke pushed his shoulders back a little.

“Yours too,” he breathed, “take yours off.”

Calum sat back up and pulled his shirt off and then Luke’s arms were around his neck, pulling him down so that they were skin against skin, their chests pushed together as close as they could possibly get and they were kissing again, but it was deep and Luke’s tongue moved inside Calum’s mouth and he felt like he might die if it ever stopped because he could feel Luke’s chest rising and falling against his and Luke’s arms holding him close.  And that was exactly why he had to stop it.

He pulled away, shoving Luke back a little as he sat up and folded his arms across his bare chest.  Luke looked up at him, his eyes full of confusion, so Calum looked away.  

“What’s wrong?” Luke asked.

“I…look, Luke, I know you're like….I know you’re really hurt.  And I want to help.  I do.  But not like this,” Calum mumbled.  He climbed off of Luke and huddled against the wall again and Luke sat up.  His features crumbled and he looked hurt.

“You don’t want me,” he said sadly.  He was looking down at his hands, picking at one of his thumbs nervously.

“No, that’s not-that’s the thing, Luke.  I _do_ want you.  That’s the problem.  I do.  But I don’t just wanna fuck you or get you off or whatever this was going to be.  I like- I like you.  I mean, I could stop if we didn’t ever talk about it again, I think I could…but you don’t want me.  Not like I want you.  You’re the one who doesn’t want me.  And I can’t do this.  I know you’re hurt, but I can’t do this.”  Calum was looking down at his own hands now.  He couldn’t look at Luke’s face.  He didn’t wanna see what it looked like now that he’d let everything out.

“Calum,” Luke said, voice steady now.  But Calum didn’t answer.  His eyes were watering and he didn’t want Luke to see.  “Look at me, Calum.” 

Calum looked up then and Luke grabbed his hand.  “I’m sorry.  I never wanted to hurt you while I was hurting.  I knew what I was doing and I kept doing it.  The truth is, I think about kissing you sometimes.  I have for years.  And I don’t know what that means.  We don’t have to decide what that means right now, I don’t know.  You’re right, I’m just sad and I just wanted…I wanted you close.  It wasn’t fair.  I don’t wanna lose you.  Maybe when I get better, we can-“

Luke couldn’t finish his sentence.  He didn’t know how to, but he gripped Calum’s hand in both of his, as tightly as he could.

“It’s okay,” Calum smiled a small smile with watery eyes. “You’re not gonna lose me.  You think about kissing me?”

Luke nodded and smiled shyly.  He looked down at their hands.

“I don’t wanna hurry you.  I don’t wanna change anything.  I don’t want to fuck you up.  You’re sad about Lola and I’m here,” Calum said, but his voice had a lilt of excitement to it.

Luke squeezed his hand again and moved so that he was leaning into him, his head on Calum’s chest and one hand still holding onto Calum’s.  He linked their fingers slowly.  “Can we start the movie over?” he asked.

Calum laughed a little.  “Yeah.”  He reached for the remote and restarted the DVD and leaned back again.  He settled against the pillows and Luke settled into him and he ran his free hand through Luke’s messy hair and he felt warm.  He felt okay now because whatever this was hadn’t ruined them.  In fact maybe it had given them some kind of chance in the future.

The opening credits were still playing and Calum’s nose was nuzzled in Luke’s hair when he said, “Hey Luke?”

“Yeah?” Luke answered sleepily.

“If you ever wanna kiss me again in the future, my lips are yours,” he grinned and he could feel Luke laugh against him. 

“You’re cheesier than Ashton sometimes,” he chuckled.  
“Fuck you!” Calum laughed.

Luke just cuddled closer into Calum and sighed happily.  “I’ll remember that though.  Your lips are mine.”


End file.
